intimacy and nature.
Making the film was a mentally and physically challenging experience, and I couldn't have dont it alone. I felt extremely lucky to have met someone like Tobias who was an open, honest and energetic person to work with. From the beginning we discussed ideas and thoughts together, and made short storyboards to prepare for the filming. When we began filming I was very nervous but highly stimulated, I knew that I had to put myself in fearful situations (doing something that frightened me or made me anxious) in order to overcome fear. For example, getting naked for the first time in front of a stranger and a camera in the woods, out in the open world, amongst nature. I put myself outside of my comfort zone, in doing so I learned that being in fearful, anxious and intense situations makes you realise you are alive.
The film took just over 3 months to make, including the editing. Editing the film was a fun and rousing process, but I felt that I needed to do it alone. We started editing together but because the film was more about myself we decided that it would be necessary for me to do by myself. It was tricky and very stressful at times, but I did thoroughly enjoy it. I think that I edited the film mostly subconsciously, which was quite important I think, and I was really pleased with what I had created in the end.
The experiences I shared and had were ones that I will never forget, I opened myself up and shared my body with another. I wanted to find myself in some way, to discover an identity. I retracted back to my childhood and confronted traumatic experiences that had been repressed for a long time, I explored my sexuality and I delved into the unknown.
I was quite sensitive to the fact that the film was going to be exhibited in my final degree show, the film is an intimate insight into myself, which you could say is quite self indulgent, but I think it is important to know ourselves, to know who we are, and to explore and free ourselves. I didn't just want to do this for me, I wanted to somehow touch people somewhere that is not seen, that part of ourselves that is not noticeable or explainable, the part of ourselves that we don't even know but that part of ourselves that we can feel (?)
I felt great support and inspiration from my tutor Hester Reeve, who also gave me the harsh push that I needed , her voice and opinion was of true importance.
I don't know if the film was viewed by a lot of people but it was lovely to here what a few of the people that did thought about it and how it made them feel, different for everyone I think. The film is ambiguous and possibly unanswered which leaves it open.
I am very eager to propose the film and have it exhibited again, shown in a more intimate space as the space I had in the degree show wasn't ideal.